A Sensitive Creature Indeed

I am a sensitive creature. Emotional, difficult, empathetic, irrational. A sensitive creature indeed.

This week, these two weeks, have been hard. Quite hard. Thread through with a myriad of breakup talks, new apartment searches, grant losses and hard talks with good friends. I've found myself bursting into tears (publicly no less!) struggling for words, for reasons, for explanations of what is going on. What wrong doing did I conduct to the universe to make everything seem like it is slipping so fast between my already tiny hands? I'm not good at reaching out without lashing out, always taught that sadness is weakness and one should just "suck it up." I think my whole life I've been fighting against the sensitive creature that I am. Thus, when a friend told me I was "just sensitive" it felt like a wound instead of a homecoming.

And yet, here I am, a sensitive creature indeed. Sensitive enough to run out of dinner when not included in a wine bottle sharing between a loving couple (crazy?), sensitive enough to counter balance someone twice my size on my two little feet (strong?), sensitive enough to assume others will know when I need help and when they don't that they must not care (over-reactive?) sensitive enough to deduce when something is wrong with one of my clients, when she needs help (empathetic?).

I've spent so much of my life trying to splice myself in two. Taking the good without the bad, shutting out the anger and leaving the passion, channeling my sensitive bits into my work, reading reading reading what others do, how a judge reacts, how a victim is trying to tell her story. Yet when you ignore someone(thing) so sensitive as a sensitive soul's inner self, than with the slightest, most sensitive touch, she reacts.

I am going to try and dip into this sensitive new self of mine. Full of so many thoughts and uncontainable feelings. Full of rage at the injustice of the world and love for planted lilacs on city streets. If I love one part of myself than I must love the whole self. for we are nothing if not the some of our beautiful, sensitive, parts.

This song is beautiful (not official music video, just what I could find on youtube.)