A Sensitive Creature Indeed

I am a sensitive creature. Emotional, difficult, empathetic, irrational. A sensitive creature indeed.

This week, these two weeks, have been hard. Quite hard. Thread through with a myriad of breakup talks, new apartment searches, grant losses and hard talks with good friends. I've found myself bursting into tears (publicly no less!) struggling for words, for reasons, for explanations of what is going on. What wrong doing did I conduct to the universe to make everything seem like it is slipping so fast between my already tiny hands? I'm not good at reaching out without lashing out, always taught that sadness is weakness and one should just "suck it up." I think my whole life I've been fighting against the sensitive creature that I am. Thus, when a friend told me I was "just sensitive" it felt like a wound instead of a homecoming.

And yet, here I am, a sensitive creature indeed. Sensitive enough to run out of dinner when not included in a wine bottle sharing between a loving couple (crazy?), sensitive enough to counter balance someone twice my size on my two little feet (strong?), sensitive enough to assume others will know when I need help and when they don't that they must not care (over-reactive?) sensitive enough to deduce when something is wrong with one of my clients, when she needs help (empathetic?).

I've spent so much of my life trying to splice myself in two. Taking the good without the bad, shutting out the anger and leaving the passion, channeling my sensitive bits into my work, reading reading reading what others do, how a judge reacts, how a victim is trying to tell her story. Yet when you ignore someone(thing) so sensitive as a sensitive soul's inner self, than with the slightest, most sensitive touch, she reacts.

I am going to try and dip into this sensitive new self of mine. Full of so many thoughts and uncontainable feelings. Full of rage at the injustice of the world and love for planted lilacs on city streets. If I love one part of myself than I must love the whole self. for we are nothing if not the some of our beautiful, sensitive, parts.

This song is beautiful (not official music video, just what I could find on youtube.)

Yum Yum Yum

Here are a few things I noticed after getting out of my relationship
1) I was entirely spoiled by delicious food (restaurant and homemade) nearly every night as my partner was an incredible foodie
2) I thus gained about 15 pounds
3) I can no longer afford to go out to eat (my partner made a lot more than I did and would pay for most meals)

Now, I’m not overly concerned about the weight gain (thank you new curves!) BUT I am definitely not as healthy as I used to be. Plus, my new neighborhood is filled with delicious food though not very healthy varieties of Chinese and Latino cooking. Finally, I really cannot afford to go out to eat all of the time for lunch at work and thus i began COOKING.

This is shocking to me, the girl who grew up on frozen pizza’s and cup of soup, who has MAYBE cooked 5 full meals in my entire life but, get this, I am actually really loving it!

Here is my new Monday night routine:

1) look up recipes at Skinny Taste (my new favorite website for clear, delicious, healthy recipes!)
2) Go grocery shopping, go home and throw rice in rice cooker
3) Short workout at nearby gym
4) COOK for 3ish hours while either catching up on horrible TV or listening to back episodes of This American Life
Pretty veggies!
So far I have only sustained one horrible injury (my self made tourniquet made stitches unnecessary  ) and have only had one real dish failure (never using “smart taste pasta again, ew!”) but for three weeks now i have made delicious meals that have lasted the whole week (lunch and dinner!) and cost, on average, a total of $35 dollars (a little more because I had no basic ingrediants, ie flour )
Really proud of myself Soon maybe I’ll post my favorite recipes!

                                      
Lowfat homemade mozzarella sticks!

How to Be Alone

I am sharing this again because, truly, it is just so utterly delightful.

Starting Up

Here are three big things that have happened this year:

1. I started a new non profit (Atlas: DIY)
2. I'm officially running the legal department of another (The New York Asian Women's Center)
3. The first truly adult relationship of my life ended, sadly and sweetly.

I've always loved writing, keeping a journal of sorts of thoughts and emotions and, through my Key to the City experience, learned that all sorts of wonderfulness can come from being open and sharing yourself.

So here I am, starting up, starting over, starting again.

much love,

Lauren